A Companion Through the Journey

Often it comes up in conversation with people the question "what is a doula?" or even "what does a doula do?" as if this could be answered as easily as if it were being asked about a fireman or a librarian. While it can be put simply "a doula is a non-medical support person for birthing & new parents," or "a doula provides educational, physical, and emotional support for birthing & new parents," these fail to answer the question no one knows to ask:  "who is a doula?"

 Educational, physical, and emotional support are great, and even nonjudgmental educational, physical, and emotional support sounds like something we all could use, but the question everyone asks inside their head that ultimately brings them to the conclusion of whether or not they need something goes along the lines of  "what does that do for me?" which is not answered by such a simple response.  

 Imagine you're a person who's getting ready to have a baby. You probably have some questions about how things happen or how to do things, and you've probably looked to books, to other people, or even to the Internet for answers to those questions. You might get some of the answers you were looking for, but a lot of what you found might be vague, different, confusing, or totally opposite of what you wanted to see or hear. You might even be left wondering how in the world you're going to remember all this, especially since  everyone seems to love to tell you how tired you're going to be even before the baby gets here. Speaking of tired, your body is also going to hurt in places you didn't know you had and you're going to have to recover from the birth process, birthing parent or not, all while learning to take care of this tiny human. Hormones will be flying and emotions will be like the currents through the sea, which are only made more challenging to navigate through your lack of sleep and then the questions arise that no one knows the answer to: "why am I so hungry?" "When was the last time I showered?" "Is this shirt clean or dirty?"

Now imagine there's a person who can help walk you through all of that. Cue the doula.

 Now, a doula is a person with three things everyone can benefit from, be it through labor or postpartum or both, and these things are very simple and everyone has them, but not everyone uses them to be a doula.  

Brain

A doula is a person with a brain who has trained themself to know what to do in every situation involving birth and postpartum. This brain holds knowledge from their own reading and training and experience, and this brain has calculated information about who you are and makes decisions on how to answer the questions you have in the situations you're going through to be what you need them to be. Imagine all the childbirth education classes you've attended,  all the books and articles you read, all the experiences your trusted people have been through packed into one very neat, easy to use system that is eager to give you exactly what you need before you even know you need it. That is the brain of a doula. 

Body

A doula is a person with a body who has been through this before. They have arms and legs with muscle memory that know how to comfort your body through the aches and pains of childbirth and through the recovery process that follows. This body knows what yours needs every step of the way and knows how to keep your body safe and strong. These arms and legs can also hold and cradle and care for your baby through the times when your body is too tired or too overwhelmed to want to keep going. These arms and legs can also do the tasks around your home that have  become too much for you to do since all you want to do is snuggle your sweet baby and stay in bed all day, because that's what your doctor told you to do anyways. That is the body of a doula.  

Heart

A doula is a person with a heart that loves you and desires for you to feel valued and validated. This heart has loved many a family and it knows what it's like to go through these times you're preparing for. This heart knows what's in store for yours on the other side of the delivery room and has seen the unexpected before. It knows your fears and your struggles, as well as the love that you need to experience to let your emotions go and become the parent you need to be just by doing it. This heart loves when yours feels comfortable enough to grow to fill in the spaces this new baby opens up inside it. This heart also loves your baby and your family and cares for nothing else while it is in your presence. That is the heart of a doula.

A doula is everything you need them to be without you needing to know anything. A doula is dedicated to your family, for life, because you wouldn't want it any other way.

Was Becoming a Doula Difficult?

 ...Is a question I'm occasionally asked, probably because you can't 'go to school to be a doula,' so there are many different ways of going about beginning doula work. Sometimes people think you wake up one day and decide to be a doula. Other times, people think that you go through this long, rigorous, expensive training process and then finally someday you're able to call yourself a doula. To some extent these are both very accurate, though not in the sense you'd think.  

Some sort of formal training is basically required to becoming a doula, because most people want credibility and accountability from someone who is going to be supporting them. The organization I trained with is pretty centered and rooted in nonbiased support, which was super scary to me knowing I'd have to learn that. Going into training I had my own preconceptions and opinions based on the truth that I thought I had learned when I was becoming a mother myself, and to potentially be taught those didn't matter at all to people was a terrifying concept to me. To be taught that I didn't matter was all too familiar to me in my life and to be working as someone who potentially didn't matter to people was a heartbreaking thought for me and was not something I wanted to do; I wanted to matter.

But then why do people hire doulas? And then why do people continue to be doulas?

People want to be heard and respected and valued regardless of what other peoples opinions are about any of their choices and plans. They want their feelings to be validated and they want their fears to be driven out. They want to know their options and know their decisions are right for them. They want someone to go through this part of their life with them to show them where their strength is, and if I can become that for them, I am no longer being told that I don't matter by these people. If I can become what they need, I am being for them possibly the only person in their life who is not telling them what to do, but that they are right and they are valued; that their fears will be taken care of.  If I can be who they need in that moment, their value does not make mine any less, but rather, we shine brighter together.

If I can become the one who sets myself aside, I will inadvertently become the one who sets myself apart. In being the one who is able to show people the love they deserve through the most raw and vulnerable time in their lives, I do matter to them. This is a heavy task, but the reward is great because if this can be done, I know it will permeate through their souls for as long as they continue to live and breathe on this earth. Love the people the way they need to be loved. 

It's funny, every time I come across a new aspect of becoming a doula, I think this is just going to be the hardest part, until I do it. I think the training is going to be hard, and then I think the supporting people is going to be hard, and then I think the setting myself aside is going to be hard. Just doing the hard things makes them so much smaller, though; fear makes things so big, but action doesn't even give fear a chance. These long, rigorous tasks that come with becoming a doula are only as hard as you make them; they're just as easy as taking a step back and taking a look at the big picture. We are in people's lives for just a snapshot of their life, the most influential moments when time stands still, and then we continue the cycle with another family.

 Becoming a doula is like becoming a parent in a lot of ways. It's about being needed and loved and depended upon, but it's not a burden like any of that sounds. It's about learning how things can be done and then teaching the ones who want to learn. It's about raising people up to be ones who shine in the darkness, and it's about knowing the power of the light through yourself first. It's about being called to love and knowing the Voice that calls you and cheers you on to do the hard, scary things you never thought you could do. It's about learning the truth that those hard, scary things are much smaller than you thought and it's about learning that things only seem that way until you do them. It can take a day or it can take a lifetime, but it's about opening your heart and it becomes who you are.

Becoming a doula is a birth of the spirit and yes, it was difficult, until I allowed it to happen.